#shiftingtimber

In a bid to shift some timber I have decided to partake in some fitness classes.

After making the all important decision to take up fitness classes and shift the extra beef, I had to find a class that suited me.

The criteria for said class was as follows;

- No Latin music based exercise, I have no intention of showing the rest of the world that I am unable to coordinate body movements to music, The phrase 'dance like nobody is watching' was probably aimed at people like me who enjoy throwing dinosaur shapes. I do enjoy dancing, but if some incredibly coordinated person is shouting directions in which to wiggle my arse whilst they have instructed my top half to do something else I tend to waddle it in the other direction whilst flinging my arms as though I am drowning.

- No swimming, my arse has it's own buoyancy, as it floats the rest of me sinks. Frankly it's embarrassing to watch.

- No high intensity cardio, the last time I tried cardio my thighs turned into burning lumps of death and to this day I still get flash backs of a random sweaty faced guy making jonny bravo faces through the window of the sports hall.

Armed with my list I looked through my choice of classes.. BODY ATTACK - No chance BODY COMBAT - Really?? HIIT - I give up

Then right at the end of the list I come across two classes that don't sound like torture methods, their names are Mind and body and legs bums and tums, I'm feeling great about myself, I've booked exercise classes for tomorrow, I'm making a positive change in my life. What can possibly go wrong?

KILL ME NOW.

Yesterday was the day of my classes and as I was walking home from work today I passed a friendly old lady talking in my direction, don't get me wrong I smiled politely and nodded at her but all I could think was 'shut up old lady my vagina hurts'.

#Gotthefatness

Over the course of the past five months I have put on two and a half stone. 

Despite being humorous it has caused some issues..

Issue one- Not fitting into my clothes.. What the actual eff? These are my fricking clothes! Have tiny imps been in my wardrobe and waved their creepy little wands at my clothes rendering them useless? I mean, my jeans, which just a few months ago slipped gracefully up my legs and fastened without even having to look, now have to be tugged and yanked up trunks of overspilling blubber! My knickers, oh dear god, my knickers! My Knickers once cupped my bottom, holding it gently, now they are the ones being held, I say held, I mean eaten! And oh hell are they fighting back! They are squeezing and biting, have you heard of cheese wire? My knickers are arse wire! Then we come to my tops and bra's... I don't want to talk about it. On a positive note, my socks are still cosy. Perhaps I should take to staying indoors and wrapping myself in socks?

Issue two- Personal fitness.. Fitness? PAH! Fatness! I get out of breath tying my flipping hair up! God forbid there be an actual emergency situation because I will not be able to shift this damn awful excuse of a body anywhere fast.

Issue three- Random pain increase.. My joints are sore, my muscles are achey, my lungs ability to function effectively has been compromised and my brain feels all lethargic and 'MEH'. I already had some hereditary hip issues I was working through (thanks, mum!) but now I feel like I'm trudging through a pit of dead dinosaur infested tar when I'm taking a walk. I work as a cleaner in a pub/ bnb a couple of hours a day and I honestly go home walking like I was on the receiving end of the tent scene in brokeback mountain (too far?).

Issue four- Hunger. I have turned into some sort of food addict, I see food, I need it, I don't care what it is, if it's edible it's fair game. I'm not saying I have stolen food off of my son's plate whilst he was facing the other way and then acted all surprised when he pointed out that there was less food on his plate but I'm also not saying I haven't.

Issue five- I am suddenly very aware of some slight social issues that have developed recently. Avon lady please piss off, random person in the street please do not say good morning, check out lady if you make eye contact with me once more I will be forced to throw this reasonably priced packet of mozzarella at your head!

And Issue six- I am pretty sure I used to have a sex drive.. Now any advances are scuppered by pretty much all of the above.

The one realisation made throughout this process has been that I seriously need to shift some timber, if I don't start soon I am pretty confident that at some point I am going to need a hoist and a stair lift. So, this is what this is, me making an effort to change things.

Day one- I'll start my efforts tomorrow, I'm pretty sure there is some chocolate in the kitchen..